Apropos of Absolutely Nothing, Names That Should Be Given to Racehorses

About a month ago, down at the beach, we were all watching the Preakness, when my friend Chip complained that the horses don't have cool names. He proceeded to give three names that are truly awesome: Ernie, Natural Light, and Beer Pong. I like these, but here are some other ones that could also work.

All-Natural Ernie:
Maybe it's just me, but something about this name just sounds so goddmaned cool. I just can't explain it.

Glue Factory or Raw Glue or Future Glue:
Insensitive? Yes. Funny? Even more so. Come on, why not at least have fun with the fact that when these horses die, they become little Timmy's macaroni collage for his kindergarten class Thanksgiving Project.

HUGE in Japan:
Works two ways: implies huge popularity in Japan (which somehow makes the horse seem really, really cool) and refers to another area in which the horse is huge. (Hint: that area makes Bob Costas [not Costas' similar area, but Costas himself] look like even more of a midget than usual.)

Ken Griffey, Jr.:
For any horse whose job it is to set a blistering pace, then drastically slow down on the backstretch, just like Griffey's home run totals!

Why is Frankie Muniz on My Back?:
Symbolic of the question that all racehorses must ask themselves at one point or another.

In Anticipation of Studhood:
Like you wouldn't be.

Because thoroughbreds are, by definition, inbred, and also because horse racing's greatest event is held in Kentucky.


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